LTR - To Be Two or Not
LTR is a well-known abbreviation among online dating apps that usually indicates a desire for long-term relationships. It is arguably one of the ironic terms nowadays, as I see more than ever that some of my friends undergo separations or legal divorces. Yet, I also observe some relationships I know around me, with more than 20 years of dedication, however rare it feels these days.
Most couples either grow together in parallel paths or grow apart in V-shaped roads. No magical glue will be able to stick them back together. Like branches of a tree that grow in different ways and harden in those directions, they won’t rejoin unless by cutting and re-grafting. So, is it hard to imagine and believe in the magic of LTR? Are we meant to be monogamists with long-term faithfulness and devotion? And if not, in what forms are these commitments possible? Are our values changing in today’s society, or do we not know what we want?
The older and more experienced we get, the more relaxed we become about life’s restrictions and human-created rules. But, for some of us, realizing what shall be prioritized in life takes a lifetime, often by the time we start feeling lonely. We certainly heard older adults advising us on how they would do things differently, given the opportunity to be young again. And It usually involves phrases like prioritizing love and relationships, being true to ourselves, or stopping to care what others say about us.
And so relationships also find new values, perspectives, and importance as we mature or have failed one or more of those partnerships. We realize being who we become with a partner is equally— if not more important to us than finding the perfect prince on a white unicorn. With a newfound perspective on life, our desires in partnership evolve too.
Having experienced unsuccessful long-term commitments more than once, I wonder, in romantic relationships, how much assurance and duration matter to us over the nature of the “pledge?” As part of a self-discovery journey and overcoming my challenges in this realm, I’ve been pondering this for a while and asking people when the opportunity presented itself to discuss this scorching topic. In recent years, more than ever, I have relished exploring new places, meeting interesting people, and engaging in stimulating conversations. I travel a lot and increasingly learning how much I appreciate it over owning a cluster of stuff. Of course, I still enjoy shopping for new things occasionally, no judgment here, but traveling to a new destination and meeting new people are more intriguing than possessing materials. I often travel solo and meet people from all over the world. One thing I realized for sure is that the challenges of relationships are global, and it lies within not knowing what core values matter most to us!
I am also evolving toward how I feel about committing to a new relationship versus “shopping around.” Because of my heartbreaking divorce from the love of my life, I gave up on commitment and thought I was perhaps not made for “marriage”! Are accessing and juggling many dates— even sometimes while waiting behind the traffic lights, transforming how we experience love and define commitment? And is it becoming harder to recognize when we encounter either one?
I’ve been listening to a favorite spiritual podcast focusing on relationships and connection with ourselves and others. Learning very recently that the podcast hostess also went through a divorce was eye-opening. No one is immune from this. In the divorce announcement episode, she remarked, “Relationships are about maintaining the mutual personal evolution... We need to recheck with our new versions often... Personally, I need to be with someone who is in touch with his deeper self and can go to the depth of his conscience.” Listening to these heavy words, I brooded that relationships are becoming more complicated than the families in the 50s movies. And I am not alone in this.
Having too many options at our fingertips— literally, we still don’t know what we want. And often misuse these traditionally defined words. For example, compromise is also losing meaning in this consumer society. Of course, I am referring to the dating apps that are growing in numbers, like mushrooms—not in quality. I admit they expose us to access more prospects, which is practical in today’s lifestyle. But are they altering the nature or virtue of the heart and truth about long-term relationships for the better? Does the word commitment still maintain its face value?
My definition of LTR is love, trust, and respect. The real commitment is to feel these values for as long as the relationship lasts. To add more spice to it without sounding idealistic–– aside from the decent package of physical chemistry that we may desire— along with the cliche of someone to travel with, be comfortable around, and who makes us laugh, which are personal choices. Essentially I am examining the values that bond the relationships beyond promises and signatures, certainly beyond having the same hobbies and favorite sports. I mean being selfless and yet being yourself, together but with personal space, and secure but spontaneous. I am seeking a genuine organic commitment that sustains itself beyond expectation— essentially, preferring personally-defined quality over quantity in the nature and length of a relationship.
I prefer to commit to myself and my values and goals rather than someone else’s. Fear of loneliness is irrelevant to finding that ideal connection. Moving beyond that fear is the ultimate freedom to find a suitable match. Being true to our passions, desires, and goals attracts longer-lasting and more meaningful relationships.
Most single and successful women I know around me are financially stable and decisive. They are influential in achieving what they want. So security has a different meaning in what they seek in men. But a form of support and emotional safety is what they desire in their relationships. People prefer to avoid traveling alone or deciding what food to order or a movie to watch. The boredom of doing things alone that we are all familiar with. Do we feel lonelier than ever and dangerously want to decide to be with someone for the wrong reasons?
The intention of asking for LTR is lost in translation. As if it is so exhausting to find “the one” that we need to announce and clarify on the first date, “Hey, I am here to stay for good. Are you?” The clarification, however, starts with ourselves.
“Go find yourself first, so you can also find me” -Rumi
After 12 years of marriage, my ex-husband realized he didn’t want to stay married anymore; he wasn’t even sure if he wanted to remain a man after all. I went through personal crises for years to deal with that and protect my then eight years old son. It is behind me now, and I have gratefully grown tremendously toward self-realization. My Ex and I are somehow amicable toward each other now. Yet, without knowing if he was committed to himself first, his romantic proposal for a long-term relationship in that beautiful seaside hotel still hunts me.
The true meaning of being true to ourselves is knowing our deeply rooted values, and it is the key to a happier relationship; it doesn’t matter the form of commitment. It is easier to find like-minded partners if we don’t surround ourselves in a forced, make-believe environment and community that is different from who we really are.
Of course, human nature is wanting to share joy and experiences with others and feel supported in a familiar environment; hence all the travel sightseeing and food photos we share on social media with friends and anonymous people. But would we take as many pictures if we knew we were the only viewers of our archives? To remind ourselves of things we did, but if those experiences didn’t change us into who we are today, what is the point of reminding ourselves?
So I understand the desire to be with someone and share life. But a genuine connection allows us to grow deeper toward our essence and toward loving ourselves first before being able to offer it to others or ask for it in return.
No matter how long they last, relationships should affect us the same way as a memorable vacation. Enjoy it while it last. Live, breathe, and learn from it, giving it our 100 percent. Commitment has no rules or expectations, and love rules without rules.
We should remain in a relationship because we like ourselves for who we are when we are with that person, to give and receive support and love, and to feel joy. There is no need for complication and setting a milestone. It should feel simple, like getting up in the morning to make that desired cup of coffee. There is no need to decide ahead; no signature is required when we are committed to our true selves and inner joy.
“Wherever you are, and whatever you do, be in love.” - Rumi.