The Best Version of Myself
My "Istanbul Endless Nights" blog started as a soul-searching journey to overcome the personal and professional obstacles the years 2020 and 2021 had brought me. I survived it, made the best of the situation, and had excitement and fun along the way. I am back home now, in the US, and I want to reflect upon it. As the last part of this blog, I'd like to gather and share my thoughts, which was an immense growth opportunity.
I've been traveling between the US and Turkey for the last year and a half. I mainly stayed in Istanbul and moved around to different apartments and hotels. I also visited the beautiful coasts of Antalya, in the southwest region of Turkey, surrounded by the Taurus Mountains. I swam in the most beautiful calm, and pleasant Mediterranean water. I met new acquaintances, and together we listened to beautiful live music and shared delicious cuisines. All this while I was busy with the usual ups and downs of the year. I also had lovely reunions in the Bay Area, US, with My beloved son, family, and friends. I went to many gatherings, ate and cooked terrific homemade meals, Hiked beautiful trails, and shared thoughts, tears, and laughter, all with a new intention and goal.
Being away from my son was very hard on me. Emotionally and physically. But I remained focused on my goal no matter how much it hurt. The daily video calls, his smiles, and the little heart emojis kept me going. To give you a visual of a small part of my journey: In Istanbul, I witnessed heavy feathery snow that I hadn't seen like it in years, got stuck in the airport whose roof collapsed due to the weather, and carried my luggage across a snow-covered street with the same person I was battling— in a foreign court of law! I experienced hotel living with magnificent surreal views, drank Raki with fermented beet juice (one of my favorite Turkish drinks), and enjoyed refreshing and eye-opening conversations with total strangers. It almost felt like I am in the story of Adventures of TinTin in Tibet: small adventure, but soul-searching for sure.
While enjoying voyaging, I also reached an important milestone in defeating a challenging case managing my business affair overseas. That is why I was there, to begin with. I boldly decided to drop my legal teams and meet directly with my ex-business partner (aka opponent) to resolve the matter "amicably." A step to end the frequent stressful trips to the courthouse and lawyer's office that I wouldn't say I liked the vibes. My lawyer seemed opportunistic with his "own agenda" and non-aligned plans, even knowing he was on "my side." He was a confirmation that I don't enjoy meaningless interactions. I witnessed young girls handcuffed in tears and mothers who passed out in the courthouse hallways of the agony of complex cases. These emotional scenes will forever stay with me and are experiences I wish not to make again.
As fate would have it, I ran into my business partner by coincidence before I took any steps toward my decision to drop my lawyer team. It was a rainy day, and I was holding my hand up to get a taxi to see my lawyer when I heard his voice behind me. He called my name softly and hesitantly. He looked noticeably pale, sad, and nervous. He seemed slimmer than I remembered him. He stood in the corner, watching me for a while, waiting for the "right" moment to approach me. I was receptive with a smile, not because I was happy to see him but as a sign that the universe had agreed with my decision. Finally, I thought to myself, my mother's prayers were answered. That evening, we sat in the nearby cafe till late, discussing, shedding tears, and making big, risky promises. During the following days, I focused on resolving past disputes and disagreements with him. And we did. During my stay in Istanbul on that trip, which lasted over two months, I discovered a rooted strength in me that I'd lost for a long time.
Being through it all now, I feel more grounded, self-confident, and compassionate. My daily manifestation mantra:
"I am becoming the best version of myself, as there are no obstacles I cannot overcome." –Anonymous
Stability was always my number one priority. I have always aimed to make myself secure and "cushioned" financially. Risk-taking was never my forte. Even my everlasting desire to travel and explore was on the "safe" side. There had to be a place to come back to call home, no matter how long and far I went away. I have done a few wild things in my life too. To be clear, by saying wild, I don't mean just attending the "Burning Man"-like festivals in the deserts where mild stimulating elements were a norm—been there many times already! But authentic backpacking trips, like the 5-days hiking to the ruins of Machu Picchu while having a corporate job with a status, saving money to buy a house, and picking the most promising boyfriend with happiness on the horizon.
My biggest take these past months was that stability may trigger a comfortable feeling but does not bring happiness. I learned that routines bore me, judgmental "friends" are not friends, and I won't take swimming advice from people who haven't glimpsed at the water before. Being content is more important to me than status. Being present (not necessarily securing a plan B or C) and relying on my instincts, strength, and satisfaction brings me stability and peace. Expectation brings disappointment, and dependency makes us weak and vulnerable. Most likely, when we are in a weak position, we are easier taken advantage of, which was the root of what happened to me. Any professional athlete can tell us the same. Life events are no exception to this rule. So I learned to live in the present moment and observe, not judge.
On my last trip to Istanbul during winter, I stayed at a high-end hotel. The sales associate of the hotel, whom I met on my previous trip, gave me a lovely room with a panoramic dreamy ocean view. Some nights I ordered in with a glass of Pino Noir and sat in front of the floor-to-ceiling window gazing at the unbelievable shimmering night lights. I was missing My son so much. Yet, paradoxically, I was primarily alone but surrounded by fun, helpful, and vibrant random people. I would go downstairs to the hotel bar or restaurant, and more often, I met ex-pats or travelers with their own stories. Everyone had a story that brought them there. We talked under the fancy chandeliers and background lounge music, drinking and eating. I liked that I wasn't the only person with problems to solve. They didn't judge, look down on me, or make me feel like a loser.
No one is immune from life's obstacles and problems. We are not alone. Listening to other people's stories was reassuring of this thought. I needed to face my problems, be there to experience them and gain the strength to grow. Some days it was too cold to walk outside, and taxis were not easily caught, but I made an effort to go out and enjoy myself. Most cafes and restaurants in Istanbul offer live music. So I enjoyed it frequently. Most people I know back home were preoccupied with high-demanding jobs and TV shows to have time to go out. Dining out was less affordable there, not to mention it didn't accompany such excellent services I was witnessing. I wondered why this culture does not exist in the Bay Area. Restaurants in San Francisco, for instance, mostly close at 10 pm at the latest. I remember once in Istanbul; I was eating a mouth-watering lentil soup at 3 am after a long night's musical concert in the Saint Regis rooftop hotel restaurant.
I realized being in an environment where I felt satisfied and eased elevated my energy, despite the challenges. My overall mental health was much better. Back home, I was speculating about the situation and worrying. There, Putting myself in that wanna-do state of mind was easier. Living in the moment was the answer to my regained strength. When we are in a satisfying joyful state of mind, where there is a feeling of belonging, it is effortless to make more reasonable decisions. The universe inspires us. We are deliberately put in circumstances directed toward what our inner being wants. I am a libra at heart, so making decisions takes work. Being in a suitable environment helped me overcome that. I was more of an in-charge person than a go-along and pushover girl, which I was most of my life. Maybe because I often didn't want to make a decision.
I enjoyed my solitary time tremendously. Like when I took off from work to spend a week in Lisbon, Portugal, for my birthday. I remember walking down the beautiful path to the waterfront from my hotel room in Antalya, thinking: I am so lucky. Acknowledging and gratefulness were another newly gained wisdom on that trip. I jumped into the refreshing water every day and swam further than I was comfortable to push my limit. It was genuinely refreshing. I stayed till sunset in the water, gazing at the vast ocean, the Taurus Mountains, and faraway towns, imagining no one else was there. As if I was on another planet. The air was light and pleasantly warm. I soaked it all in, and it made me feel buoyant. I often dream of flying like a bird, and this floating sensation mimicked the same feeling.
The happier and calmer I got, the better solutions manifested in my journey. I was the only single woman in that resort, alone. Sometimes at dinner, people asked me: "Why are you alone here? Do you like it by yourself?" And I would respond along the lines: "Freedom is priceless. I am here to unwind and relax, or why not?" I was very comfortable with myself. Doing something that felt so natural, though unusual to other people, was empowering. Sure, sometimes having a friend or partner makes travel more fun and eating alone less awkward, but I was on a mission. To embrace my strength and reward me after a long year.
Believing in oneself is the key to making a better decision, acquired by practice! We often hear we must make the best of every situation and place. I do not deny that, but only if no other options exist. There are inevitably situations we have to deal with, no matter where we live or whom we deal with. So why not minimize the compromisation by changing things within our control? For example, changing or moving away from a job or relationship we dislike, including old friends we no longer relate to, sooner than later.
Moving to a more desirable place, where we can meet new people or have more fun without spending an arm or leg, is not impossible. We can start by taking more minor risks, step by step, to put ourselves where we feel excited and exasperated. Life is too short to stay idle in one place or situation. Like holding a cork under the water, where we know it's bound to float once slipped under our fingers. It feels more empowering and liberating if we release it ourselves deliberately. My rule is that at least 3 out of 5 things that I care about and are important to me must present themselves in a place I live or with partners I accompany. Everything has a solution when I am happy and excited and willing to compromise more.
Life is our teacher. We can find a lesson in everything we experience. We need to find the roots of our resistance to be able to let go (of good and bad) and make room for new learnings. Letting go doesn't mean detachment from surrounding and loved ones. Instead, it will engage us more with those the way we enjoy.
I once heard a story about a Zen master teaching the art of letting go by comparing it to collecting and carrying unnecessary rocks along the path, which makes the journey harder and longer. Unnecessary heavy baggage will prevent us from enjoying our trip. Collect the stones, observe them, use them for as long as they are helpful, then throw them away to the river of life and travel light. With this, my chapter on the Endless Nights in Istanbul blog is closed. I am sure I will revisit the magical city and many more. I am here back in the US, for now, to recuperate and be with my son. After all, looking back, I never regretted not buying or owning more things, but perhaps, places I haven't seen yet.
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