More than ever, the recent events and changes in my life have led me toward a more straightforward, self-reflecting, and self-importance realization, so much so that I've even taken a more minimalist approach to my lifestyle. The more spartan and uncomplicated my surroundings, the lighter and happier I feel. And that goes for my relationships, too. It has been a game-changer in my self-appreciation and gratitude for "what-is" overall.
Over the recent years, my life has unfolded as a saga of triumphs and tribulations, interweaving an emotional and financial roller coaster. Picture this: an ill-fated venture that spiraled into an abyss of losses, interlacing with a rugged blend of financial and romantic decisions that led me to navigate the maze of foreign courts and legal complexities, all where I struggled with the language and legal system. Throw in the dramatic exit from my conventional job. As if that weren't enough, I weathered the storm of an unconventional divorce, with a partner figuring out identity and gender confusion, all while embracing the reality of a part-time presence in my beloved son's life.
Amidst this whirlwind, my existence became a nomadic journey; there was a lot of moving around and even reevaluating my closest friendships. It's been quite a journey, with each twist and turn feeling like a chapter in a compelling story.
I am still going through some of the remnants of these challenges. Nevertheless, learning to be emotionally unattached, finding the strength to fight and stand alone on my own, and letting go of many things, emotionally and physically, made me realize that being selfish—not in a self-centered meaning but self-caring and self-kindness, would've been the key to avoiding these missteps and oversights. Even when faced with circumstances beyond my control, practicing self-compassion would have made it easier for me to forgive myself and navigate them more easily.
There is a big difference between being self-absorbed and selfish and between being indifferent and accepting your capability and strength to how much you can give with a meaningful level of impactfulness.
As part of this realization, I now pay more attention to my body and soul. Physically, I walk daily, take longer showers, and take my time to pamper. I meditate and do yoga more frequently. I also exercise at a gym regularly and watch my health by eating and sleeping better.
When I spend time alone pondering, I reflect on essential questions: Who am I authentically? Who supports my growth and positive energy, and is there mutual support and communication? What activities bring me genuine joy and fulfillment? Where do I feel most comfortable and content? Asking these questions helps me understand myself better.
"Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it."—Maya Angelou
Among many life lessons, the most significant ones I understood were living for me, prioritizing my values, not caring what others think of me, not making a big decision when vulnerable, and practicing self-compassion more. Selfishness doesn't make one inconsiderate – as some individuals may define it, but as in tending more for yourself before you could be selfless to care for others.
I have always been a people pleaser, avoiding conflicts, sometimes to the point that I was a pushover against my core will. Perhaps in part because of growing up in a culture that valued and embraced the Persian word "Taarof" to the reality that you didn't care about your desires, capacities, or capabilities.
The best definition I could find in English for Taarof is "Taarof is the customary back-and-forth of polite gestures, and cultural pleasantries used when giving and receiving gifts, food, money, and more. Sometimes, it could even amaze a Persian audience at best and offend them at worst. Taarof (pronunciation: [tæʔɒːɾof]) is a Persian word that refers to an Iranian form of civility or art of etiquette that emphasizes both deference and social rank."
So, I grew up thinking that not putting myself first meant being considerate and polite. For example, I took care of my adult brother when he migrated to the US through a series of severe, tough times in his life, financially, emotionally, and physically, thinking not doing so would hurt my parents and would be a disappointment to myself, or leave me with a guilty feeling. It was not rewarding and was never reciprocal, unfortunately.
I care about people's feelings deeply. Sometimes, it hurts me because I absorb some of those senses like a sponge. That part of me is imprinted in my soul. I can't change the essence of my identity, but I can change how I prioritize myself and my well-being.
One example that became a turning point was that I noticed in the process of being involved in my friends' feelings overly, by mimicking their frustrations or reflecting on their way of approaching the problem, I eventually came across as being too bold or too angry to them, especially if I confronted some of my thoughts about their judgemental behavior or poor decision because their expectation of me was just to be agreeable and not answer back.
Another example was that I used to internalize others' disparaging remarks and negative energy until I reached a saturation point, where a moment of surprising clarity made me assert that enough was enough. I often found myself as the one who was never expected to get hurt or prioritize my well-being. Some thought the problem was me for overreacting. They were right that excessive consideration became an expectation of me being too naive and a punching bag. But, on the other hand, it was my problem to let them treat me poorly and not speak my true feelings from day one. I didn't value my feelings; why should they?
"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare." —Audre Lorde
People around me allowed themselves to intrude, advise, judge, and even decide my life paths, no matter how impotent, unqualified, or inexperienced I thought of them to be or how "helpful" they thought of themselves. At some point, I realized I was there to make them feel good about themselves, not me! These behaviors made me doubt my strength and decision-making ability.
Being always agreeable and having a go-with-flow personality not only doesn't attract more friends and ease the situation, but it could backfire toward an unhealthy relationship in the long term. It builds up expectations in both parties and creates frustration, especially when you realize at a mid-point in your relationship that giving and agreeing was not a 2-way road. Or the support was more in the form of pity only when you were down and broken.
The awakening juncture was observing and comparing what I have achieved, experienced, and overcome in life, which was far more critical than many of these uncured judgments. It was only my blame for not respecting my abilities.
Being selfish doesn't mean hurting loved ones. It means you accept your true self and want to establish a more balanced relationship from early on. A healthy relationship is not measured by the time it lasts but by the mutual quality of give and take through good and bad times—an ability to openly talk and share how you feel in an amicable, non-judgmental, non-condescending manner.
How to be self-compassionate and what it means to me has changed my life and relationships with friends and family. I don't get angry. I lower my expectations. My alone time has tremendous value to me and my health, mentally and physically. Before every action, I check with my innermost values and essence. I am happier when I enjoy time with myself and only network or socialize when I can fully be myself without feeling guilty about inconveniencing anybody. Being kind to me has opened the door to a new calmness.
"You've been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn't worked. So instead, try approving of yourself and see what happens." —Louise L. Hay, You Can Heal Your Life.
In the vibrant dance of life, embracing a touch of selfishness isn't a misstep; instead, it's the key to unlocking the door to an authentic self. Picture this: nurturing your authenticity transforms you into a self-compassionate and self-aware individual. And guess what? This newfound self blooms into a force that effortlessly supports others in their lows and joyfully cheers them on during their highs.
So, in this whimsical journey, a dash of selfishness is the secret ingredient for creating a symphony of selflessness.