Istanbul Endless Nights

A diary in 2021

View from my apartment-hotel in Sisli, Istanbul

I am starting a new journey in my life. After traveling back and forth between the US and Turkey, for some business and personal affairs, I have made a bold decision to move to Turkey this year. I've always enjoyed traveling—cliche but true, and more precisely, I love traveling but this time, after 5 trips to this land, I may want to stay awhile. 

As an ex-corporate player in the Hi-Tech industry for over 20 years, I strongly desire to move on to my new play; I don't relate to the once-upon-a-time "happening Bay Area" called Silicon Valley anymore. As your desires, dreams, and strengths change, you will grow out of your old habits and routines and change with them to succeed and be more aligned with your inner self. To feel more fulfilled, however, hard lessons to learn and obstacles to overcome and experience. Although a big part of my decision was to pursue my new business and its aftermath challenges and hardships, I feel much at ease and more aligned with myself here, in a strange way. This move is one of my life's most soul-searching, growing, and life-changing events. And I've been through a lot in my life! I intend to capture my activities, experiences, and thoughts in this blog, primarily for myself. As I write about this experience, I heal and grow. 

September 18, 2021—Arrival Party

Today is the 6th day of my arrival in Istanbul. Most of the last week was to settle in my new hotel and the "desired promised room." I am now in one of the more excellent Istanbul neighborhoods called Šišli, near the posh Bešiktaš area. I have a one-bedroom apartment suite on the top floor with a lovely view of the city and highrises. At night, with the moonlight, it is pretty captivating and magical. Walking about is challenging since I am on a hilltop, but this could be a good thing since I won't have access to a gym for a while. A good workout indeed, in exchange for the superb Turkish food!

I am near the city center, one mile from the famous Nišantaši shopping area. I like it here. It looks like San Francisco's hilly neighborhoods. Only a lot more colorful and entertaining. The food is out of this world, and I indulge more than my usual dose. Almost everyone in Istanbul wears flat shoes since high heels are a killer with hills and stone-covered streets. Although if you're off to a club or lounge with a car ride, you better be dressed up. Trust me, you want to look good to blend in and play in this fashion land! On Friday night, I got my share of hanging out in the beautiful Ruby Istanbul club by the Bosphorus bridge with my lawyers on a welcoming night they arranged. The music, the drinks, the ambiance, and the people's energy all made me forget about the entire year of the pandemic. Frankly, I was first freaked out by the number of mask-free people at the party. Still, after the second drink and learning that only vaccinated people are allowed in— I was mainly standing outdoors near the waterfront the entire time, eased me into a fabulous night. I finally let go and had a great time.

September 19— Walking Around

I walked 1.7 miles today to get to my favorite hairdresser in Nišantaši. Back in 2019, we went there with my sister and loved their work. Every single hairdresser I've seen here is a man. Peculiar but very common here. They know the color and the style with friendly service and attitude. It was so refreshing! Plus, who doesn't enjoy a manly scalp massage in capable hands? So I got all dolled up!

Istanbul evenings are cool and pleasant to walk around. On the way back to my hotel, I passed by many local boutiques, fruit and vegetable shops, cute cafes filled with people deep in conversations, and bars with music. It was very vibrant. You won't feel the distance walking around this city since you're constantly entertained by things to look at. The pedestrian section is less perfectly paved or polished, and you'll likely run into uneven surfaces and missing stones along the path. Still, you'll see beautiful things like shops full of ornaments and handicrafts. I also ran into some beautiful street cats. Cats and dogs are everywhere here. They are treated with care. Some shop owners leave food and water under the trees for them, a common thing to do. All the street cats and dogs here are tamed well and have city tags!

Easy Sunday, in my apartment

September 23—  Easy Sunday

It rained a lot today. I haven't seen this much rain for almost a year now. California was very dry and "unwashed" when I left. However refreshing and lovely the shower was, it also came with a loud thunderstorm, exciting and scary from my top-floor apartment. I enjoyed my morning coffee next to the window.

I miss my son, Aiden, tremendously. At times, it hurts badly. I knew it would feel this way. I felt it before when traveling here for work, but this time might be the longest I have experienced this heartache. I keep looking at his pictures. I text him every day since the time zone difference makes it challenging to connect on the phone. I feel more connected even when texts are one-way for at least 24 hours until I hear back from him. I can see from his school record that he is doing very well. I am so proud of him. He is the most beautiful human being I have known. I feel privileged he chose me to come into this world. There is, of course, a bias in this feeling, but mainly a fact from whoever met him. I am blessed. I must constantly remind myself that I am here and away for him, for both of us. To resolve this obstacle and return to what was and will be rightfully ours. I am discovering a new strength that I didn't know before.

Yesterday, I walked— or rather hiked to the nearby mall called Cevahir (pronounced Jevahir, which in Farsi means jewelry). The ups and downs were almost a parable to my life, as I was pushing myself on the steep hill, hoping for the next downhill or flat road, but downhill in terms of ease, not defeat. I wandered, looking at endless fashionable and colorful items—no desire to purchase. My recent packing, sorting, and giving away stuff before my departure, was a sound reinforcement only to buy when I need something. My new discipline: 1 or 2 things shall be donated if I buy anything! The mall is a 5-story building. Many American brands too, but I like the in-house Turkish brands. Unique and different from the usual things I see in the US.

I see people constantly walking around, shopping, having coffee or food, talking to each other, and laughing with friends. Ironically, I felt lonely at times in this lively and vibrant place. So many memories from my previous "happier" trips to Turkey crept in. The happy shopping and dining out. The promises that melted away, running like black ink... How life changes in a snap of a finger. I ended the self-pity thoughts by entering my favorite cosmetic shop and leaving with pink lipstick! Scary or self-victimizing thoughts are drugs. You know it's not good for you, but you're sucked into it, hoping for a quick fix. As I left the mall, it started raining. A friendly traffic controller agent helped me and called a taxi. 

The driver had no mask and insisted I take mine off too. I learned he was an anti-vaccine and anti-face-cover with his limited English. I asked him to stop so I could walk the remaining short distance; I told him," Get the vaccine. life is too short and worrisome to add yet another risk". He laughed and said, "exactly! you are worried, not me!" Well, what can I say? He did have a point there. I came to my room, threw away an old lipstick, opened a bottle of Merlot, and melted into my couch like jelly, gazing at the Istanbul dark blue sky with shimmering lights and drizzles... I worry too much and should learn to let go.

September 26— Small Pleasures

 It is A beautiful sunny day! Not so hot. I opened all the windows to the fresh air and beautiful view. There seemed to be a celebration of some sort; I could hear the traditional Turkish drums and cars honking. It lasted about 45 minutes. I believe it was related to the Galatasaray football match. Very Patriotic!

I walked to see a new Hotel/apartment suite to check if I wanted to switch places. After climbing the many usual steps, I arrived at the building I've seen pictures of many times on travel sites. It was more stylish than my current place but had no Radisson Blu vibe whatsoever! I requested to see a room since the pictures I've seen online were deceiving so far. The guy at the front desk refused, saying, "It is not our policy." But he did assure me they have an upper floor "sea view." I left undecided and kept walking to the mall to get my new Turkish phone sim card from the Turkcell shop. It is helpful for local calls and networks while I'm wandering outside. I rely heavily on directions from my phone maps in this maze-like city plan. After 30 more minutes and more steps to climb, sweating like no other gym workout, I arrived at the mall!

On my way, I noticed older people with their grocery bags walking along. It was Encouraging. I realized how spoiled we are with our parking lots near Safeway and TraderJoe's. There are, of course, fancy groceries here, too, with underground parking, but in this neighborhood, people mostly shop daily for what they cook the same day, judging from their small shopping bags. I liked it. I love passing by the local fruit shops and how nicely they stack them up. Very colorful. Fruits taste so good here. Very aromatic. It reminded me of back home when I was a kid in Iran. There is always a gathering in front of shops. Older men often sit on upside-down empty plastic boxes ( I am sure they delivered fruits in those), smoking and discussing things. I catch words here and there, but they are not fully comprehensive to me. They often stare at me walking by, maybe because I look like a gadget moron constantly checking my phone and watch, with iPod in my ears, turning around myself for a correct direction, and in my workout clothes, like I am lost at the gym. Girls are a lot more stylish here.

I had to decide on my current place. As always, I brainstormed by gathering input from talking to a few close friends. :) It helps me rationalize hearing myself aloud. Weighing the pros and cons, I have decided to stay put. I will give this place another month and see how my business case progresses. If I stay longer, I will think of a more permanent, suitable, and better location. My 1-bedroom apartment is clean, modern enough, with a fantastic view. The staff is super friendly. Breakfast is included. The price is unbeatable, and the owner checks with me frequently to make sure all is well. Back home, In the US, I have permanently returned to my apartment. All my belongings are in storage. I am in no rush to return, logically. Except I miss Aiden deeply, of course. Home is where he is. 

I just realized I used the word "home" for Iran and the US. It feels weird but right. Going after your dream and setting on to explore and experience a new life has its highs and lows. I expected this! I am determined to be focused on my goal and enjoy the "NOW." There is only the looking forward. I have moved many times, so that is not an obstacle. Overcoming the "missing senses" is a new challenge. Ironically, I am still happy with my decision. I like being here. I walk alone, sit at the cafes and restaurants alone— watching people, enjoying the waterfront view, and watching movies in my apartment alone, but with a new sense of pleasure. I think because I have a mission. A mission that was interrupted but not killed. I love this quote from an anonymous, 

"They tried to bury me but didn't know I was a seed."

I had a lovely video chat with Aiden today. He was at the Los Altos Wine and Art Festival, where he works at an arcade on weekends. He assured me that he still likes his job and he is happy. He looked so handsome, even with a mask. He was calm and content. It made me forget all the anxiety and stress I was feeling the night before. Thank you, Universe!

It is settled! With the money I save from not paying for the usual Hilton five-star hotels, I will get to travel locally and spend it on ME! I think I will go to the beautiful coastal towns of Izmir or Bodrum for a weekend while the weather is still gorgeous. I want to find an Expat group with whom I can hang out occasionally and find a Yoga/Zumba studio nearby.

One of my dear friends shared this article with me today. The author took the words right out of my mouth, literally. Felt so close to the heart: "https://medium.com/the-ascent/3-things-i-wish-id-known-before-i-quit-my-job-to-travel-c0c3cf5ca0e1"

Cunda Mezza Seafood, Besiktas

September 28— Serenity Now!

"Patience is a virtue." Waiting with the wisdom of knowing things will happen at the right time when your universal energy aligns. Growing up in the US— since I was very young when I arrived there, I learned that things need to move fast. Service inquiries, calling a bank, grocery lines (more than 3 customers, a new register needs to be opened), most office-related errands, getting your degree, finding a job, and even the internet. Most of us don't know what to do with extra time on our hands. Passing the time and enjoying it is ultimately an art!

We are so impatient with time! Paradoxical! For an average job in the US, for every year, you'll get between 2-3 weeks of official time off. I remember in my corporate job at LinkedIn days, vacation time— including sick days, was "unlimited." but wait! If your project is finished or ready to be handed off, some colleague agrees to cover for you, and your manager "approves." It was challenging with separate planning required to take off and make your clients "wait," too! As if the whole solar system and orbit of planets will collapse. Where are we going this fast? What are we trying to accomplish with the new rapid technologies if humanity and morals are dying? Friends don't have time to meet. We are all alone in our "castles." The theme is to get me more money and title fast, so we can either: get a better job with more money or leave it all to our kids, so they can get rich faster. The word success is overrated since all you see from successful people are selling their ideas of being successful like themselves while charging us more money for their own success. A head-spinning reality! 

Money is, of course, helpful. I prefer being in a five-star resort to being in a beat-up hostel, but can I also be happy with my time no matter where I am? How fast and how rich is enough? My goal is to get on that luxury cruise ship without a walker.

At first, I had difficulty adjusting to the laidback concept that other people have a life and should not work as hard to serve others with a lightening speed delivery! As I did myself for many years. I worked weekends and nights to finish projects that today I no longer remember the explicit content. For example, writing many lines of code that are no longer supported. Of course, It was valuable then. I made some money and felt accomplished. But at what price and at what pace? 

Here, experiencing long lunch breaks at the bank, not returning my phone calls the same day, numerous holidays and times off, and stores closed on Sundays made me impatient. It feels inconvenient! But I am learning now that doing other pleasing activities while waiting is alright. Every moment is part of life that we will never get back once it's gone. I can wait if I am in the right direction and things are moving forward. On the contrary, stressing about events out of my control is counter-effective. For example, while waiting for a call or bank to open, I can enjoy a boat ride to the other side of the island. After all, we have the technology to receive important calls no matter where we are!

Yesterday, I was ready for an important meeting 60 minutes before the meeting time, sitting early in the lobby. All dressed up, formal, and sharp to go! Only for it to be canceled by an authority with total control over it. I felt the rage, but then I remembered, serenity now! So I went upstairs and changed into casual clothing. I walked to a nearby seafood restaurant and had a fabulous meal: a whole fish, a glass of chardonnay, soda, salad, tea, and homemade dill bread, all for $22! And I had a great conversation with a party sitting next to my table.

Things are handled differently in this land, but they have other good things to offer :) Only if I could share it with a friend would've been impeccable. And as for today, Nothing has stopped; my meeting got rescheduled. We are still on track with the case. I told my associate today, "Please give me a 30-min warning, and I will be ready." Lesson learned! The fastest suggested route by Google Maps is only sometimes the best. Some paths are more scenic and entertaining while taking longer to get to the destination. 

October 12— Gratitude!

Here I am on my birthday, away from my family and friends. It has been a very eventful few weeks since I last wrote. This note is not about spilling all the hardships I experienced recently. Instead, I want to write about what is working well. I am here, I am well, and I am more than just a survivor. I am, however, recovering from a cold; I even had to take a PCR test to ensure it was not COVID. I dodged that bullet!

It is my birthday and a beautiful sunny day in Istanbul! I can see the turquoise water of the Marmara Sea from my flat on the 7th floor of a postmodern 80s-style hotel I've been living in for a month. I can also see Black Rock island far away. Watching the big ships and sailing boats pass through the sea channel is deeply calming. I feel and know that things are finally aligning. My inner being, mood, and contentment state align with my desire and inner being beautifully. Wants and wishes I've been gathering in my "Vortex" (as it is called by one of my favorite spiritual teachers, Ester Hicks) for so long are finally coming to realize. The Universe has heard me and inspired me to move on with the same frequency as my inner desires. Deep, I know. I want to remind myself of things that have worked well and made me who I am, remembering the good times, the successes, and no regret. No resentment. No revenge. Only to look forward. If I have to look back, it's only to realize how far I've come to be "here" in my life. Standing firm, powerful, confident, and content. I have overcome many obstacles already. I am who I am and am here today to be thankful.

Here we go...

I am grateful for my beautiful son, Aiden. [I bet you guessed this would be on the top of my list :)]. I am thankful for his kind heart, strength, compassionate soul, and thoughtfulness. He is pure, beautiful, and a shining star inside and out. He is the most accommodating, logical, mature, and humble human I have met. In October of 2007, I found out I was pregnant with him a few days before my birthday. It was the best birthday present.

I am grateful for my brother Aref, whom I lost at the young age of 18. He was my closest childhood friend. He taught me to appreciate life, fight for my beliefs, and let go of small things.

I am grateful for my health, vibrant energy, and strength to reason and resolve.

I am so grateful for my amazing mother! I have learned and continue to learn so much from her. I appreciate her compassion, calmness, endless love, patience, kindness, and strength to manage many hardships and hurdles with grace, hope, and faith. All in the most challenging times, even when she lost her firstborn son. She remains the director and center of our family, holding all of us like the web of love.

I am grateful for my father, an explorer and lover of science and travel. His playfulness and humor left me with beautiful childhood memories. Perhaps. I love traveling from reading the science and travel magazines he always subscribed to. I have a memory hacked into my brain of the stack of those yellow science magazines in his room. One of my best memories is traveling with our family during the summers. To the suburb of the city Mashhad, called Shandiz, a northeastern summer town in Iran. My father was finishing post-degree college there. I can still hear the wind through the trees next to the river, where he left the watermelon to cool in that water, and the fruit drifted away with the current. It was magical and so exciting how he caught it.

I am thankful to my sister and brother, who always believed in me with their unconditional love.

I am blessed with my wonderful friends, who've touched my heart in many ways. Friends who've been by my side through thick and thin. They were like siblings to me.

I am grateful for being able and continuing to travel. I will always be an explorer. I am so thankful for my never-ending desire to change and grow. The ability to take a chance and try rather than stay in the state of "what if." I have never been afraid to move on and dig into new things. This one is very close to my heart. It has taught me so much! 

I am grateful for all the opportunities and jobs I have experienced. People who have trusted me and hired me, and worked with me. To make money and enjoy my life. Even those jobs I hated at times. I am still grateful for having those opportunities to experience and learn. So thankful to all the people with whom I shared more than 8 hours of my day at work; coworkers who traveled, laughed, and even cursed and vent with me sometimes. The audiences across Europe, Canada, and the US, patiently listened to my presentations. It was all part of the game. I attended and graduated from one of the most prestigious engineering schools, where I met my most beloved friends and confidants. So thankful for that!

I am grateful for my ability to create art. To draw and paint. My appreciation for colors. So thankful for the time I worked with one of the surrealist talents in La Jolla, California, among other artists I collaborated with. The Graphic Design degree I completed in Sandiego. I am grateful for my excellent art teachers.

I am thankful for all the good years with Shawn, who stood by me through my art pursuits, creative explorations, and many more. I am grateful for the pure love we created. I know the love we shared will never die between us. I miss him dearly, even though his leaving me was one of the most painful experiences in my relationship experiences. "It is what it is..."

Last but not least, I am grateful for all the fun and excitement I have experienced in my life (and hope to have more). To name the ones that come to mind:

"Relationships that touched my soul. Loves and lovers I have felt. Pieces of music that brought tears to my eyes. Crazy fun festivals throughout the world. The trampoline I jumped on at the Burning Man festival while holding my best friend's hands. Cultures I have witnessed. Friends I've made. Languages I've learned and spoken. The bizarre sushi I tasted for the first time in Tokyo when I was 22. The nightclub dance stage I danced at a nightclub in Japan. The adventurous 4-days hike to Machu Picchu, Peru, at 11000 feet altitude. I've seen the Divine Goblets and handmade Gods, forests, and mountains in South America. Fish and wise turtles I swam with in the most exotic tropical islands' water and coral reefs. Amazing food and drinks I've tasted. Lakes I've paddle-boarded and whitewater I've rafted. Ships and cruises I've been in to watch the sunrise, dance under the moonlight, and meditate at sunset across the continents. The small colorful village I arrived in on a fairy from Copenhagen, Denmark, to Oslo, Norway, in the mystic morning fog. The sweet cakes I tasted in Cannery island while I was five months pregnant with my Aiden. My bewilderment when I found out there was a hot sauna behind a bar in Helsinki, Finland, and I used it too, happily after a few drinks. The sailing and surfing in Australia. The path I lost on my way back to the hotel along the beach, walking on a starry night along the shores of Port Douglas, Australia. The unbelievable blue lagune hot mineral water in the freezing Iceland snow in Reykjavík. My solo dinners late nights in small local cafes with traditional Portuguese Fado music in Lisbon. Magical summer trip for Aiden's birthday in the islands of Greece, where he bravely jumped off the "Sunset Pirate Ship" into the ocean at age 5! All the crazy fun on New Year's Eve in Barcelona, Berlin, Köln, Copenhagen, Paris, San Francisco, Istanbul, Tehran, New York, and Reykjavík, Iceland, where I danced around the enormous bonfire I've ever seen under the most magical Northern Light. All the waves of laughter. All the plays. All the endless fun."

I am thankful for being alive and remembering that I have many things to be happy about and what didn't kill me made me stronger. 

©2022 Azita Mofidian