Friends
Growing up, at some point, we all claimed many things as our friends. Perhaps friendship is one of the oldest and most primitive relationships we have experienced in early childhood. We made friends with people, pets, plants, and food, which influenced us later in life. However, real or imaginary, we all had friends. Friends were even more essential for some of us who did not grow up with parents, cousins, or siblings. Some have touched us deeply and perhaps even changed us in some ways that have stayed in our subconscious minds. The subject of friendship has always been special to me.
Over the years, I made many friends. Some were closer to me than my skin. Then I lost them in the vacuum of life. Some came into my life, like passing by dragonflies. They did not last forever. Nothing does. They touched my heart, taught me about myself, and left a great lesson in my soul. I never regret those relationships. Some friendships lasted unnecessarily longer than required, not because it was not necessary as part of my journey but because I could not see the lesson learned sooner to let go. The longer I held on, the harder it became to let go without a guilty feeling. At some points, those relationships became obligations. I may not remember them all or think about them often, though the memory is attached somewhere to my neurons.
We are all told how important friends are. Maybe the importance is to learn how to calibrate our future interactions. I wonder, who do we call friends, and in what form do they impact our lives? For most of us, just being around other people is not enough. We need friends. We see this in social media too. People are “connected” to thousands of “Followers” and “Followings” with no intention of wanting to be each other’s friends.
Because I have been away from my hometown family and friends since I was 18, I have relied heavily on friendships. To be precise, I’ve always had many friends from a diverse group of people. Some I treated like relatives and siblings. I got along well with most of them because— I now understand that I was a person everyone liked, a people-pleaser. Making them happy made me happy, or so it seemed to me. I grew up in a somehow big family and among close relatives in a small coastal town near the Caspian Sea. Our house was always full of visitors, especially during the summer vacations. Friends, cousins, outdoor games, and mischief were all the fun and everything to me. Cordiality and close friends were part of me and shaped my future relationships.
I did not grow up with social media and video calls. We only had one or two phones in our house, plugged into the wall. In our neighborhood, we knew almost everyone, the good, the bad, and the ugly! Most interactions were face-to-face. We often played in the yard or our big orchard— where we lived with children from middle- and upper-class families and the gardeners’ and housekeepers’ kids. We never questioned or used words like racism, color, or class. So I learned to get along with everyone! And I called them all friends. The neighborhood was safe, the feelings were pure, friendships were with intention, and the intention was fun!
In recent years, as part of self-recognition, I realized many of my relationships resulted from my easy-adapting personality and sacrificing my preferences in favor of others. My bubbly, accommodating, and giving nature kept those relationships going for as long as they did. Subconsciously, I was still living in the relationships of my childhood. I thought everyone was as transparent and easygoing as I was. I never asked myself what I truly liked and what made me feel good. Although I shared my opinion and wanted to change the world by trying to get my “bright ideas” across, I was careful not to offend anyone or do anything to lose them. Thus I would absorb an abundance of colored jelly beans in my jar, not realizing, for example, that I did not like the taste of licorice. That also applied to my intimate relationships.
When I was entertaining the idea of moving away from the US last year, one of my fears of living abroad was the absence of my community and friends. I have traveled to many places alone and enjoyed it tremendously too, but for shorter periods. Coming back here after being away for a while, resolved this fear. The fantasy of wanting to be physically close to my friends, getting together frequently for happy hours, dancing in clubs and lounges, and attending big house parties— with minimal meaningful conversations- vanished. The fact is that I find myself enjoying impacting interactions and stimulating conversations more than anything else. I still value going out to cafes and occasional social gatherings. I still love attending live entertainment and dancing with friends, but with a selected number of people and quality time spent, with intention.
We now live in a world of no distance with the new technologies that connect us seamlessly. People are increasingly busier than I remember, so getting together is not what it used to be. During the pandemic, we all experienced working remotely away from the endless 8-hour lingering in the office. We learned everyday commute was optional for production and efficiency. Most companies are now holding once-a-month— or even less frequently, team events. They are discovering that fewer people are showing up at these gatherings. Some even wonder how we all lasted such long hours in the offices, where coworkers often found themselves in social areas like coffee rooms (or attractive lounges in more recent cult-like offices). Even free food and alcoholic beverages in some companies are not inviting enough for employees to want to go back to the old work style. It is something to think about applying to friendships and over-interactions.
When I am myself and genuinely enjoying things I like, I connect better and absorb more meaningful relationships. Understanding what friendship means to me freed me in many ways. Friendship is a journey that requires practice like anything else. I listen more and explain myself less, let myself be who I am while accepting them as different, and stay open to ideas and judge less. I no longer identify myself in socializing with whom I share minimum thoughts. I also share my opinion but not be married to it. Most importantly, I try to let go of meaningless relationships and conversations sooner than wishing for an astral comet to wipe out life off the earth to end it! I certainly don’t limit myself to an infinite loop of talks that only expensive alcoholic drinks can make tolerable. Otherwise, I prefer to enjoy a quiet afternoon reading, cooking a healthy meal, meditating, exercising, etc.
Friends and healthy relationships are essential to have, of course. Solitude could help us grow, but not loneliness. Friends should bring out the best in us, no matter how long they stay in our lives. It should feel effortless and nourishing. A random person sitting next to us for a few minutes on that park bench could— with a short conversation- teach us something, inspire us, or influence us somehow. At that moment in time, s/he is our friend.
Rumi, The legendary Persian poet, says it the best:
“Always search for your innermost nature in those you are with, as rose oil imbibes from roses. Be with those who help your being. Be grateful for whoever comes because each has been sent as a guide from beyond. Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames.”
I wish for my friendships to be that igniting flame with intention. Friendships are two-way roads of giving and receiving. It should feel satisfying, memorable, and fulfilling, but not necessarily everlasting with an obligation. And that is ok.