A Letter to My Single Male Friend

Recently I engaged in an intriguing conversation with a friend about sustainable and long-term relationships. We discussed the necessity versus luxury and fun of romantic relationships, particularly for middle-aged and older single women—being single by choice or due to the everyday challenges of dating. I couldn't stop thinking for hours after our conversation ended.

A sleepless night in Sunnyvale, I questioned the gravity of my mixed-emotion responses and whether it was rooted in bitter-and-sweet past relationships. Is it necessary or, as he implied, "needed" for women to have a long-term partner to provide protection and support as they age, or ever?

I'll be delving into this topic from a woman's perspective, drawing from my personal experience. Nevertheless, this subjective exploration can resonate with individuals of any gender, depending on their unique preferences, situations, and personal convictions.

I come from a trace of strong independent women who are great role models and sources of inspiration to me even today. Being surrounded by such individuals has influenced and shaped my perspective and values.

My grandmother raised three kids alone in the capital city of Tehran, Iran, during the 1940s. After uncovering her husband's engagement with another woman, she left her small seaside hometown—the only home she knew, with her young children. She parted ways with my grandfather to pursue an independent life. Her departure from the familiar life is not the center of my point, but rather how she thrived on her independence after that.

Despite not receiving formal training, My grandma—a petite woman graced with a timeless, beautiful Mediterranean face, bravely started her own alteration business and provided for my mother and two older uncles. It was uncommon for women in that era and place to take such actions, but against all odds, she ensured her only daughter received the proper education and graduated high school and beyond. She also enrolled her sons in fashion and clothing design training, a decision that paved the way for my uncles' subsequent achievements in their lives.

My mother also was and continues to be the financial anchor in our family, adeptly making crucial decisions to the best of her abilities. Simultaneously managing our household, overseeing an educational institution, and meticulously planning everything concerning our family. She remains my go-to person for advice even now.

Her dedication to caring for my father after nearly 60 years of marriage, endless patience, positivity, and strength leaves me in awe. My father always craved her presence in life's intricate dance through the ups and downs. While my love and affection for my dad are immeasurable, my mom has always taken up the mantle of emotional and financial leadership within our family.

So, I believe women can lead fulfilling and independent lives with or without a romantic partner or support. No matter whether there is a love story or not. I firmly reject the notion that women must compromise one aspect for the other. However, they do not need a man's support to attain their potential achievements.

I don't want to discuss happiness, as it is deeply personal and highly subjective, particularly when considering one's desire for a life partner.

Would my grandma's life be more fulfilling continuing her marriage if everything had worked out ideally in her matrimony and life? Perhaps, but maybe for the price of a broken heart. She could have had a more leisurely and happier life, but did she need my grandpa to achieve what she did as a support? She proved she didn't. But did she want him with all her love? The answer was affirmative when I asked my mother. And who knows the profound philosophical answer to if she was happier either way? That remains an elusive mystery, destined to remain unanswered.

Many women choose to live independently and find happiness through their careers, friendships, hobbies, and personal goals. Although healthy companionship, emotional support, and shared fun and experiences—like traveling, can undeniably bring a more fulfilling life. Some activities are best enjoyed with a partner or close friend, which is entirely understandable.

I once watched a documentary about the secret to happiness and satisfying life for a community of older Japanese retirees who found joy in sharing their journey toward the end of their lives. It demonstrated the importance of sharing and belonging for most people.

Given my frequent travels, sometimes convincing myself to dine out alone can be a slight challenge. However, solo traveling also allows you to set your own pace, engage in self-reflection, and create opportunities to meet new people. Each type of relationship provides different forms of support and fulfillment.

Shouting from the rooftops about favoring or needing one kind of relationship over another seems a bit unfounded, especially given how far women have come from the 1950s way of life. Let's embrace the evolution with a wink and a nod!

I am not a feminist, and I must say the recently acclaimed movie, Barbie, seemed to push the envelope excessively in its portrayal of women's empowerment, almost at the cost of diminishing men. Nonetheless, it's becoming increasingly clear that many modern women don't find their happiness contingent upon the presence of men in their lives.

Let's toss in a dash of reality: we're all wired differently when it comes to needs and wants. Some women might put a golden frame around their relationships with partners, while others might go, "Eh, not so much." What truly matters is giving a high-five to each person's choices and quirks, cheering them on their merry way.

We can all talk about—and it seems a widespread topic in today's discourse through social media, recognizing and embracing our newfound "divine" masculine or feminine energy to enhance our relationships. The truth is that approaching relationships with a basis of personal contentment and self-assurance is a more wholesome and constructive approach. In comparison, relying on another person for a sense of completeness can inadvertently foster detrimental dependencies.